Hannibal Buress – Jaywalking Is a Fantasy Crime

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– I GOT A JAYWALKING TICKET
IN MONTREAL. I COULDN’T BELIEVE IT. I’VE JAYWALKED SO MANY TIMES
IN MY LIFE. IT’S SUCH AN EASY THING
TO TIME OUT. IS THERE A CAR COMING?
NO? LET ME GET ACROSS THEN. I’VE DONE IT THOUSANDS
OF TIMES. BUT THIS TIME IT WAS ME
AND THIS OLD LADY. WE WERE JAYWALKING TOGETHER. WE WEREN’T TOGETHER LIKE THAT, BUT IF WE WERE, SO WHAT? MIND YOUR BUSINESS. I JUST MET Y’ALL. SO ME AND THIS OLD LADY,
WE GET ACROSS THE STREET, THEN A MONTREAL COP
APPROACHES US, SPEAKING IN FRENCH. [imitating French] FRENCH. [laughter] I SAID, “HEY, MAN,
I DON’T TALK LIKE THAT. “THAT’S NOT HOW I TALK. CAN YOU TALK TO ME
HOW I TALK?” THAT PROBABLY WASN’T
THE BEST WAY TO START OFF OUR INTERACTION, BY MOCKING HIS NATIVE LANGUAGE,
BUT WHO CARES? I TAKE RISKS IN LIFE. AND HE SAYS,
“YOU WERE JAYWALKING!” AND I SAID,
“SORRY ABOUT THAT.” AND I TRIED TO KEEP GOING
ABOUT MY DAY. ‘CAUSE I THOUGHT THAT’S
HOW JAYWALKING WAS HANDLED AS A CRIME– “YOU WERE JAYWALKING!”
“MY BAD. “WE’RE DONE HERE, RIGHT?
THAT’S IT. “I ACKNOWLEDGED
THAT I JAYWALKED, I APOLOGIZED “NOT FOR THE ACT
OF JAYWALKING, “BUT HOW MY JAYWALKING
MADE YOU FEEL. “I’LL TRY NOT TO JAYWALK IN THE
FUTURE WHILE YOU’RE WATCHING, “BUT TRUST I’M GONNA DO IT
THE REST OF MY LIFE. IT’S THE BEST WAY TO GO
ABOUT BEING A PEDESTRIAN.” [laughter] AND HE SAYS, “NO, I HAVE
TO GIVE YOU A TICKET. GIVE ME YOUR I.D.” I SAID,
“YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. “I ONLY GIVE PEOPLE
MY I.D. FOR REAL STUFF. “THIS IS NOT REAL.
THIS IS A FANTASY CRIME “THAT YOU’RE ENFORCING
TO COVER UP THE FACT “THAT YOUR CITY IS HAVING
FINANCIAL PROBLEMS RIGHT NOW. “THIS CITY IS BROKE,
AND THEY PUT YOU OUT HERE “WITH A QUOTA,
AND THAT’S FINE. “I WILL DONATE 60
OF YOUR COLORFUL-ASS DOLLARS “TO YOUR BROKE-ASS CITY. BUT LET’S JUST DO IT LIKE THAT.
NO PAPERWORK, AND IT’S GOOD.” GUESS WHAT.
TWO MORE COPS SHOW UP. NOW WE HAVE
THREE MONTREAL POLICE OFFICERS WORKING THIS HIGH-PROFILE
JAYWALKING CASE. THREE COPS
FOR ME AND JAYWALKING. FAIR ENOUGH. I DECIDED DURING THE TIME
I WAS JUST GONNA TALK TRASH TO THE COP STANDING CLOSEST
TO ME ‘CAUSE I DON’T LIKE HIM OR WHAT HE REPRESENTS. SO I JUST WANTED
TO MESS WITH HIM AND SAY WHATEVER I COULD SAY
TO MESS WITH HIM, ‘CAUSE HE’S WASTING MY TIME,
SO I SAY, “HEY, MAN, HOW MUCH MONEY
DO YOU MAKE A YEAR?” WHICH IS A DOUCHEY THING TO DO,
I’M AWARE. BUT YOU KNOW
WHAT ELSE IS DOUCHEY? TO HAVE THREE COPS WORKING
A JAYWALKING TICKET. THAT’S OVERKILL.
I ONLY HAVE TWO LEGS. THAT’S A COP AND A HALF
PER LEG. THAT’S A WASTE
OF CITY FUNDS. THAT’S WHY THEIR CITY
IS BROKE NOW. AND HE TOLD ME HOW MUCH
HE MADE. I DON’T KNOW
WHY HE TOLD ME. HE DIDN’T HAVE TO TELL ME. THEN HE SAID,
“HOW MUCH DO YOU MAKE?” AND I TOLD HIM.
AND HE GOT UPSET. AND HE SAID,
“WHAT DO YOU SELL? DRUGS?” I SAID,
“NO, I DON’T SELL DRUGS. THAT WAS KIND OF RACIST.”
“WHAT DO YOU SELL? CARS?” [laughter] “WAIT, WHY ARE THOSE
YOUR TWO FIRST GUESSES?” “HEY, THIS DUDE IS DOING
SOMETHING ILLEGAL, “OR PEOPLE LOVE BUYING SUBARUS
FROM HIM. “HE’S A CHARISMATIC GUY.
SELL THE HELL OUT OF A CAR. “THOSE ARE THE ONLY TWO JOBS
I KNOW BESIDES POLICE OFFICER. I’M A DUMB GUY.
MY WORLD VIEW IS LIMITED.” THEN I SAY, “HEY, MAN, YOUR
COLLEAGUE HERE IS 50 YEARS OLD “AND HE’S WRITING JAYWALKING
TICKETS FOR A LIVING. “IS HE CONSIDERED A FAILURE
AS A POLICE OFFICER? ‘CAUSE THAT SEEMS LIKE SOME
STUFF THAT YOU SHOULD BE DOING.” HE WAS A YOUNGER GUY. HE WAS UPSET ABOUT THAT. HE WAS TRYING TO HOLD IN
HE WAS UPSET, BUT I COULD TELL HE WAS UPSET,
BECAUSE THE NEXT THING HE SAID WAS,
“OH, YOU A COOL GUY, HUH?” I SAID, “NO, I’M NOT A COOL GUY.
ARE YOU A COOL GUY?” HE SAID, “YEAH, I’M A COOL GUY
JUST DOING COOL STUFF, TRYING TO BE COOL.” I SAID, “MAN, COOL PEOPLE
NEVER SAY SHIT LIKE THAT.” [laughter] THEY GAVE ME A $37 TICKET
FOR JAYWALKING AND A $444 TICKET
JUST FOR BEING AN ASS[bleep]. THAT’S HOW MUCH IT COSTS
TO BE AN ASS[bleep] TO MONTREAL POLICE, JUST IN CASE
YOU’RE PRICING IT OUT FOR YOUR NEXT VACATION. BUT DON’T WORRY–
DON’T WORRY ABOUT ME. I’M NOT PAYING EITHER OF THEM.
IT’S IN CANADA. IT DOESN’T COUNT TO ME.
IT’S NOT REAL. I WAS AT THE AIRPORT,
THERE WAS THIS KID, FOUR OR FIVE YEARS OLD, WALKING WITH HIS MOMMY,
FIXED HIS FINGERS IN A FAKE GUN, AND THEN TOOK A SHOT AT ME. NOW I’M LOOKING AT THE WALL
TO SEE IF THERE’S SOMETHING ON THE WALL HE COULD HAVE BEEN
SHOOTING AT, ‘CAUSE I’M IN DENIAL. I LOOK BACK AT HIM,
HE LOOKS ME IN MY EYES, AND TAKES TWO MORE SHOTS. NOW I’M HIT THREE TIMES. THAT WAS AN ACT OF AGGRESSION. I HAVE TO DEFEND MYSELF. I’M A MAN BEFORE ANYTHING. I WILL POINT-BLANK FAKE-SHOOT
THIS KID RIGHT HERE. “HEY, DIE,
BITCH, LITTLE KID. “DIE.
WHAT NOW? “NOW WHAT?
WHAT YOU LOOKING AT, MOM? “CONTROL YOUR KID
AND SHIT LIKE THIS “WON’T HAPPEN IN THE AIRPORT. “NOW EVERYBODY’S
GETTING FAKE-SHOT. “WHAT’S EVERYBODY ELSE
LOOKING AT? “THIS HAS GOT NOTHING
TO DO WITH YOU. “AMERICAN AIRLINES LADY,
GET DOWN RIGHT NOW. I’LL SHOOT UP YOU
AND YOUR BANKRUPT-ASS COMPANY.” MY OTHER AIRPORT NEMESIS
IS AIRPORT SECURITY. I DON’T LIKE THEM AT ALL.
THEY SEEM SO DEDICATED TO KEEPING BOTTLED WATER
OUT OF THE SKY. THAT’S THE MAIN THING.
IT’S PROBABLY EASIER TO GET COCAINE ON A PLANE
THAN A BOTTLE OF WATER. PROBABLY ONLY WAY
YOU COULDN’T GET COCAINE ON A PLANE IF THEY LOOKED AT IT
AND SAID, “WHAT IS THIS? POWDERED WATER?” “NO, IT’S COCAINE.” “GO RIGHT AHEAD.
ENJOY YOUR FLIGHT.” BECAUSE A TERRORIST TRIED
A LIQUID BOMB THING, NOW NOBODY CAN BRING LIQUIDS
ON A PLANE. ONE PERSON MESSED IT UP
FOR EVERYBODY. BUT I FEEL LIKE THAT’S BEING
REACTIVE INSTEAD OF PROACTIVE, BECAUSE TERRORISTS
ARE ALWAYS TRYING NEW STUFF. SO NEXT TIME IT’S GONNA BE
SOME TYPE OF SNICKERS BOMB, AND AFTER THAT HAPPENS, YOU
CAN’T BRING FULL-SIZED SNICKERS ON THE PLANE ANYMORE. YOU CAN ONLY BRING
MINIATURE SNICKERS ‘CAUSE ONE PERSON MESSED IT UP
FOR EVERYBODY. NOW YOU HAVE SECURITY
TRYING TO NEGOTIATE YOUR SNICKERS SITUATION. “HEY, IS IT ALL RIGHT IF I BRING
FOUR MINIATURE SNICKERS? THAT’S ABOUT THE SAME SIZE
AS A FULL-SIZED SNICKER.” SECURITY SAY,
“DON’T PLAY WITH ME. “THIS IS NOT A GAME! “WE ARE SAVING THE WORLD
ONE SNICKERS BAR AT A TIME FOR YOUR FREEDOM
IN AMERICA!” “RELAX, MAN, I’M JUST HUNGRY.
STOP YELLING AT ME.” “YOU CAN’T BRING
THE BOTTLED WATER, SIR.” “WHY NOT?
IT’S NOT BOMB WATER. WHAT IF I SIP THE WATER TO SHOW
YOU THAT IT’S NOT BOMB WATER?” “BUT WHAT IF IT’S SIPPABLE
BOMB WATER?” “THERE’S NO SUCH THING
AS SIPPABLE BOMB WATER. “YOU’RE BEING SILLY
RIGHT NOW, MAN. THERE’S NO SUCH THING
AS BOMB WATER.” ONE DAY, THEY STOPPED ME
FOR ADDITIONAL SCREENING, BUT THE ONLY SCREENING
THEY DID, THEY RUBBED THE CLOTH
ON MY HANDS, AND THEN THEY WENT
AND TESTED IT, THEY CAME BACK AND SAID, “ALL RIGHT,
YOU’RE GOOD.” “OKAY, COOL, GOOD THING I DIDN’T
HAVE BOMB JUICE ON MY HANDS. WAS THAT THE BOMB JUICE TEST?” WHAT IF I DID HAVE BOMB JUICE
ON MY HANDS? WHAT IF ONE OF MY FRIENDS–
“HEY, HANNIBAL, “BEFORE YOU GO TO THE AIRPORT, YOU WANT TO HOLD A BOMB
REAL QUICK?” [laughter] AND I SAY, “YOU KNOW WHAT,
I NEVER HELD A BOMB BEFORE, I’M OPEN TO NEW EXPERIENCES,
LET ME…” [laughter] “THAT’S PRETTY COOL.
THANKS, MAN. THAT WAS REAL COOL.” THEN I GET TO THE AIRPORT,
THEY TEST MY HANDS, THEY SAY, “YOU HAVE BOMB JUICE
ON YOUR HANDS. IS THERE ANYTHING YOU’D LIKE
TO TELL US?” “YEAH, ONE OF MY FRIENDS,
HE GOT A BUNCH OF BOMBS. “AND HE SAID, ‘YOU WANT
TO HOLD A BOMB REAL QUICK “BEFORE YOU GO
TO THE AIRPORT?’ “AND I NEVER
HELD A BOMB BEFORE, “SO I THOUGHT IT’D BE
SOMETHING COOL TO DO. “I MADE SURE NOT TO BRING
THE BOMB WITH ME, ‘CAUSE I KNOW
Y’ALL HATE THAT.” [laughter] “SO I WANT TO JUST HOLD
A BOMB REAL QUICK. “I THINK YOU NEED
TO CHILL OUT “AND STOP BEING JEALOUS ‘CAUSE
I GOT ALL TYPES OF FRIENDS. “SOME OF MY FRIENDS OWN BOMBS
AND LET ME HOLD THEM. “YOU NEED TO OPEN UP
YOUR SOCIAL CIRCLE AND MEET SOME NEW PEOPLE.” I HATE WHEN THEY TRY
TO MAKE CONVERSATION WITH ME. “ARE YOU GOING TO NEW YORK
FOR BUSINESS OR PLEASURE?” “I’M GOING
TO NEW YORK TO TALK “ABOUT YOU IN FRONT
OF STRANGERS. SO I GUESS BOTH.”

 

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