Have a Nice Flight

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– I know what it takes
to be here. I know a lot of people
have to fly. Who flew to get here? [people cheer] All right, so if you’ve been
on a plane– the people who didn’t fly here,
I assume you’ve been on a plane. Yes. There are rules to follow. You have to put your tray,
your table, in the upright position,
you have to buckle up, and you have to not scream
when the toilet flushes. That is a loud–
Oh, my God. Even when you’re expecting it,
does it– It startles you.
You just– You’re all ready to go out. Oh, God. God, why does it
have to be so loud? And how fast
does it have to go to– Never mind.
Anyway… And of course the other rule,
that everyone is allowed to only carry one item,
one carry-on, but every flight,
people try to cheat. They stack, like, eight pieces
of luggage together, pretend like it’s one. Just ’cause
it’s bungee-corded up, it doesn’t mean
it’s one item. That doesn’t fool anybody to strap
all those thing together. Then they have another carry-on,
a baby, and… [laughter] That should count
as one carry-on right there, especially if it carries on
the whole flight. [laughter] [cheers and applause] And then there are the people
who bring one item, but it’s gigantic. You know those people? And you know–
you’re looking at it, going, “You can’t seriously think
that’s gonna fit in”– Everyone knows the size
of the overhead, and they still try
to make it fit. They’re moving
other people’s stuff around. Don’t my stuff around.
It’s–mine– My stuff is up there. And they try to just cram it in
every which way. They’re putting it
in sideways and longways and putting Vaseline on it
so it’ll smoothly– using all the Vaseline
they can carry, which is that much. If it was me,
I would only– I would–
Here’s what I would do, one–one thing I would change
with the boarding process. People who pack
the most reasonably board first. I think
that’s only fair. If you pack
one neatly packed item… [cheers and applause] You go first. If you look like
a walking episode of “Hoarders,” end of the line. [laughter] Make sure your baggage
is stowed away, ’cause I’m dancing
through the aisles right now.

 

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