I got to be weightless for 7.5 minutes

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I really want to go to space So I made my own Astronaut training program because nobody else would have me. I’m like a pet up for adoption, and I just decided to adopt myself. I’ve already made sure that I won’t throw up, and I won’t go crazy in confined spaces. But there’s still this thing weighing me down. The biggest downer on Planet Earth, freaking gravity. [Music] [Music] [Music] So we’ve rented a sensory deprivation tank. Basically it’s this pod filled with a thousand pounds of Epsom salts so you can float in it and experience what it’s like to be weightless. You ready for this? My jump suit game is like an onion. This is like layers upon layers. [Music] I think that this is the closest I’ve ever been to climbing back into my mom’s uterus. [Music] This is so weird. I don’t dare to put my head down. I kinda want that neck noodle. [Music] It kind of makes my fifi hurt. TMI, sorry. Donald Trump is president, and I’m opting out. #SpaceWomb. I mean #SendSimoneToSpace. [Music] This is way too relaxing to be space. I need something more. [Engine revving] So we went to San Jose because I got a ticket to the vomit comet. I had to get up at 6am So I was fucking excited. A zero g flight is an airplane that does parabolas, So it goes up really fast and then down really fast so get you get to experience what it’s like to be weightless I was really freaking nervous about it because a lot of people do throw up, and if you do throw up you have to get back in your seat for the rest of the flight. So basically it’d be the most expensive vomit of your life. Unless you like, threw up into somebody’s Gucci bag. For each parabola you get about 30 seconds of weightlessness, and we did 15 of them. So I got about seven and a half minutes of glorious weightlessness. So without further ado, here’s some footage for me having the freaking time of my life. [Worker] 3, 2, 1. Here we go. No kicking! No kicking! [Music] [Worker] Feet down! Feet down! Ahhh [Worker] That was a quick one. So I was supposed to narrate this as it went, but I could get no intelligent commentary out of myself. I have no idea what to say! [Worker] Feet down! Feet down! Yeah, that’s about it. As the airplane is going up you’re laying down on your back and first you’re getting heavier and heavier and heavier. But then you’re getting lighter and lighter and lighter until you just float up. It was really like flying, and your body doesn’t really know what to do. Like your instinct is to just pedal which is terribly ineffective. [Music] Oh my god! [Music] [Joyful screaming] Ha Ha They threw up some water and we got to catch some candy. [Music] I feel like fucking, Pac-man. [Music] [Video game noise] [Music] So yeah here we are. Also I cut my hair because I felt that I wanted to look even more like one of the Hanson brothers. Mmm bop motherfuckers. So going on the zero g flight was huge. Like I’ve been wanting to do it for such a long time. And it was the wildest thing I’ve ever done. Like it was it was like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. And also this is the last episode of DIY astronaut Thank you so much to Google’s Making & Science Team for giving me a budget for this project. But now I’ve run out of money. So we’re back to filming on my iPhone. How’s this level of production value for you? Get used to it! Get used to it! Also huge thanks to Adam Isaak who helped film and edit DIY astronaut and Scott Laurie who produced it and did production coordination. They were the best paid friends a woman could have. By the way I set up a store and now you can buy the asstronaut T-shirt. So if you feel like you want to look both offensive and stupid at the same time just click on the link in the description and get one of these beauties. It’s a solid t-shirt, and I don’t know about you, but I feel fully ready to go to space so Richard Branson, I’m just waiting for you to call me. (Call me) It might go faster if we all tweet him. Shameless plug! I have no shame in my space game. Send Simone to space! Not Simone Biles. I mean, she seems nice and all, but yeah, Simone Giertz. Whatever. Simone dry heave. Simone queef on a yoga ball. Simone can’t pronounce yacht, that girl me. I mean otherwise I’ll just have to build myself a rocket. And I don’t think any of us wants me to do that. It’d make for an interesting tombstone though, so that’s something. Anyway check out the DIY asstronaut t-shirt, and I’ll talk to you soon. Thanks for watching DIY astronaut. I had so much fun! Oh gosh, you’re gonna hate me. [Music]

 

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